I got married in secret. I thought I could secretly get married in March of 2020 and still have a full wedding the following November as planned and no one would necessarily have to know that I was already married. Little did I know that Corona was a whole threat that would turn our lives and the world upside down and make it virtually impossible to have a wedding in 2020. Just days after my husband and I married the pandemic hit full force and the world came to a screeching halt.
I became Mrs. O on March 7, 2020 or as my husband Robert likes to call it, 3-7-1 (3 for March, 7 for the date, and 1 because 20/20 = 1) – don’t ask! There was no elaborate wedding gown, ceremony, guests, or flowers. Just the two of us, the Pastor, and the triplets or as I like to call them, my bonus babes.
Although I was cool with and actually began looking forward to having an actual wedding in November, I must admit that I’ve never really wanted a traditional wedding in the sense that everybody and their mama would be there. I always wanted a private wedding ceremony to be followed by a grand reception. Well I almost got my wish. Almost…
Some might say that I eloped which is not a totally inaccurate statement. Only my two closest friends knew that I was getting married that day (Robert did share the news with a few of his family members as well though). I always thought that my family would be there for my big day, but the truth is I didn’t have the courage to stand up for what I wanted and just be true to myself. The truth of this makes me ashamed because I feel like I am to grown not to recognize what I want, communicate it assertively, and allow others to either accept or reject it.
Instead I wanted to play it safe or at least I though that’s what I was doing. I thought I could go ahead with my desire to get legally married on one day, and have a traditional wedding later but try to keep the fact that I was already married a secret because my mother was adamantly against me having two weddings as she called it. She didn’t see the point of a wedding if we were already legally married. I felt like a confused teenager. Like Lauryn Hill’s character Rita in Sister Act 2 when her mother didn’t want her to go to the choir competition, so she signed her own permission slip and went anyway. Yeah like that. But in my case I was not a teenager. I was a full grown woman. My wedding was a secret assignment, “G-14 Classified” if you will but the only person I was fooling was myself. There are not enough smh emojis in the world to insert here…
Now if you know my mother, then you know that she is a strong personality. She and I are also pretty close and a lot alike in mannerism, but not necessarily personality. I am more laid back, she is more assertive and can even be a bull in a china shop when she wants to be. But in her defense, me being the youngest of four and her grand vision for my wedding day just wouldn’t let her be at peace with my plan and like a lot of people, I seek the approval of my parents and do not want to disappoint them. I thought I could have the best of both worlds but I’ve learned that that’s not always possible especially when you are not being true to your self. I never thought that at my age I would still struggle with a) the desire to please others and b) not being able to stand up to my mommy (just hold down the smh emoji)….
For a better understanding, let’s go back a little bit – before 3-7-1. Back to January of 2020 when I was newly engaged (we got engaged on New Year’s Eve) and was planning a full-fledged wedding – church, bridesmaids the whole 9. What I thought was going to be super exciting became super stressful for me very quickly. There were lots of opinions and given the costs associated with having a wedding my head was spinning. Although it was not my intention at the time, I totally began to understand why people elope.
Despite the push back, Robert and I wanted to legally marry prior to our actual wedding day so that we could start our life together. My mother’s protest however made it so difficult for me to rest in that decision. I felt like I was doing something wrong because she didn’t approve. Every time I thought I’d come up with a great idea for the wedding she would turn it down. I began thinking, “whose day is it anyway?”
Frustrated, hurt, and confused I proceeded with getting married on 3-7-1. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to be marrying Robert, but it hurt that I felt like I couldn’t be more open with my mom about it. It was like in the movie Selena where she and Chris just go ahead and get married without their parent’s knowledge or any fanfare or making a big announcement. Just two adults confident in their decision going for it. That part of the movie resonates with me so much as it was easier to just go ahead and do it then to try and reason with a parent that just didn’t get it and refused to try. I was asked numerous times by Robert and my friends if I would let my family know so they could come and I just felt that it would be easier and a lot less stressful to include them in the formal wedding. My intentions were good but my decision making was a huge fail. I didn’t know there was going to be a full on pandemic that would shut the world down and make having the wedding we were planning for November pretty much impossible.
I try not to live with regret, only lessons learned but I can’t deny that I truly regret not standing up for myself. I robbed my family and my husband and his family of the opportunity to witness our nuptials. I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.
It was a beautiful day and ceremony but would have been even more beautiful and easier had my friends and family been there. I dressed alone and did my own make-up. I had to sew a button on my dress right before the ceremony which made me late and subsequently incited me to have a panic attack as I raced to the church. I needed support that day that I forfeited thanks to my fear of letting my mother down.
I think it was Shakespeare who said” To thine own self be true.” I wish it hadn’t taken such an extreme example for me to understand its true meaning. I think I got it now though. I am moving forward unafraid of opinions or backlash even if it is coming from the ones I love most.
I am learning and growing day by day and stepping into being Mrs. O has been a rebirth and an awakening of sorts for me. The permission that I have sought for so long to just be myself and stand up for what I want I no longer seek as I now know that I never needed it. In the words of Beyonce, “It took a while now I understand just where I’m going. I know the world and I know who I am, it’s bout time I show it.” In short, I think I was the last to know it, but I’m grown.
This has been such a learning experience for me on how I want and don’t want to live my life. I struggle with owning who I am and taking up the space that God created me to fill but am motivated now more than ever to take back my power. I regret that this realization has come at such a high cost, but I have accepted it. I have signed my own permission slip, but this time do not fear the consequences because I realize that my signature is the only one needed. If you’re reading this and are struggling in the same or a similar manner, I hope you find the courage to live your life in such a way that seeks no one else’s approval but the Lord above. I hope you get out of your comfort zone and push past what’s holding you back and I hope my journey in doing the same inspires you!
Xoxo
– Mrs. O
