This post is in no way an attempt to get sympathy or to complain about my journey into motherhood. I know there are women who long to be mothers and I in no way am trying to be insensitive, discourage anyone nor bemoan motherhood and all that comes with it. I am beyond blessed to be a mother and love my son more than my own life. I do believe however that being blessed and being overwhelmed can coexist. I hope this post is received with the intention in which it is being sent out and that is to share my story and experience in case it helps someone in some way along their journey.
Can we talk about how postpartum has kicked my butt? As I reflect on my experience having my first child, carrying, and birthing the baby was actually the easy part! It’s the postpartum journey for which I was not prepared.
I mean sure I had heard of postpartum depression and knew that on some levels there would be challenges to having a new baby, but I didn’t know the depths to which those challenges could go.
My last post left off with me on a high after delivering my son. After eating my hamburger (y’all that hamburger is such an important part of the story cause I was so hungry), I was put in a wheelchair, my baby was placed in my arms and I was taken to the postpartum unit.
I had to say goodbye to my new nurse friends and was turned over to a new team of nurses. When I got to my room, I was informed that the hospital had a “rooming in” practice so they would be leaving the baby with me and my husband during the remainder of our stay. While that may be a good idea in theory (and may be ideal and work for some), for me it added to the overwhelm of being a new mother, particularly the part where I had just given birth. It was by this time after 10:30pm and I had been up and at the hospital since around 2 am that morning.
I felt so protective and wanted to check on my new baby every five minutes it seemed but the pain in my abdomen from giving birth made it hard to lean up in bed and peek at him in the clear hospital bassinet the nurse put him in. I also wanted to rest because I was exhausted after being up literally all-day birthing. It was overwhelming and as much as I wanted to be with my baby, I wanted, even more, to get some rest so that I could be there for him more fully. I needed the nurses to take him to the nursery for a while so I could rest and recharge.
Fortunately, I did have an excellent nurse when I arrived on the postpartum floor. She showed me how to care for my post-childbearing external wounds (I got well acquainted with the peri bottle) and also made sure my baby drank a little formula so his blood sugar wouldn’t drop. She eventually at my request took the baby to the nursery for a couple hours to bathe him while my husband and I got a little rest (little being the operative word here).
That was the first and last time my baby went to the nursery during our hospital stay. He roomed in with us the remainder of the time. I believe almost immediately I felt every wave of postpartum emotion a woman can feel and on top of that I was trying to learn to pump/breastfeed and care for the baby. He was so small, and I was intimidated by his very presence. I felt so much self-imposed pressure to be able to care for him while managing my own pain and dealing with being so emotional due to hormone changes and that I’m an empath, so I feel very deeply.
I cried when I wasn’t holding him right and the nurse and my husband corrected me. What kind of mother doesn’t know how to hold her baby? I felt so inadequate and again as a hormonal empath I was a wreck! It didn’t help that since the baby was in the room with us, I felt like I had to be “on” as a mom every moment of the day. That’s a lot for someone only 2-3 days in. I think my saving grace was that newborns sleep a lot but even then I was checking every few minutes to make sure he was still breathing. I felt (and still feel) such a strong sense of responsibility for him. I owe my approach to motherhood to my perfectionist obsessive compulsive personality meaning I tend to set the bar really high for myself and have difficulty letting things just be. It’s exhausting and believe me, for my own sanity and blood pressure I am working on it!
Our baby was born on a Wednesday night, and we were cleared to go home that Friday. I was so happy when we were finally able to leave the hospital with our new baby. I was just ready to be in the comfort of our own home and get out these Covid streets! Before leaving the hospital, we were informed that the baby had jaundice. We put him by the window (sunlight helps) but it didn’t seem to have much of an affect so the pediatrician told us that we would need to make an appointment at their office for that Saturday (the day after we left the hospital) to assess him further.
The net of our jaundice experience is that it added to the pile of my overwhelm. All the parents out there know that it’s so stressful when your child is sick! I believe that it’s intensified when they are only a few days old, and it’s your very first child.
The doctor’s visit was not the best. I didn’t have much to wear given my new post-partum body but pulled myself together the best way I could. I flat ironed my frizzy patch from labor so at least my hair was no longer all over the place on one side. I remember still being in pain from giving birth and was so glad my mother came with me (my husband works on Saturdays so he couldn’t come, and someone had to take us because having recently given birth I was not allowed to drive).
When we got to the doctor, I had to explain that my husband had recently gotten a new job and his health insurance was not yet active. He was getting COBRA, but there were some mishaps and miscommunications that made it take longer. Thinking it was all worked out however, we put the baby on his insurance but given all the logistics of what was happening with his coverage we had to self-pay that day. I felt that after explaining to the staff that we were self-paying we were treated differently because the baby was technically uninsured. It felt like the doctor (this was not either of the doctors who assessed him in the hospital) looked down on us as she spoke about the baby’s condition and their recommendation (we have not gone back to this doctor). We kept being asked about being self-pay in a manner that felt like our ability to pay was being questioned although I paid the bill for the visit right then that day. It really felt like we were being treated as 2nd class citizens. There didn’t appear to be any sympathy for the fact that I had just given birth or that my baby was clearly just days old, and I had to bring him out in the Covid on a Saturday when he and I should be resting. No welcome to our pediatric practice or attempt to connect to me or in any way put me at ease or provide resources to me as a first-time mother. The period after childbirth is a very sensitive time for a woman especially a first-time mother and it felt like the doctor in particular was not sensitive to that fact. I was frustrated and humiliated with the whole experience.
Anyway, we were prescribed a light that resembled an iPad in size and shape to be used to help cure the baby’s jaundice. I placed the light in the swaddle with the baby when we got home as I was instructed to do. A little while later, the baby seemed hot with the light swaddled next to him. I felt so bad! I wanted to cry yall! I was trying to do what the doctor’s office advised so that I could help him but felt like it was only making things worse. His eyes were yellow due to the jaundice, and they had to keep pricking his foot to test his bilirubin levels. As a parent, I just wanted him to get better!
When my husband got home, and I explained what had happened with the light he blew up! He called the doctor’s office so upset and spoke with the after-hours person. He then left a message for the doctor. Drama! My nerves were already bad and my husband’s reaction although I understood it was not making the situation better. Long story long, we did speak with the doctor and began adjusting the light on him differently to avoid it making him hot which helped my stress level but not entirely because the key was for him to get enough exposure to the light to cure the jaundice so I was now worried if the light would be as effective for his healing.
Did I mention that in addition to all that was going on, it was our weekend with the triplets, so they came over that evening? I thank God for my mother who cooked and helped out that weekend because I was obviously in no condition to be my usual recipe trying/3 meals a day bonus mom self. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my bonus babes, I was just dealing with a lot at that time and even the things that are blessed and beautiful about my life my baby included were a lot for me to handle at that point in time.
The following day was Father’s Day, and my husband was beaming and excited to be surrounded by all of his children. I was happy that he was happy, but it was not that joyous of a day for me. Sure, I put on a smile and tried to be happy, but I worried about Covid, I worried about my baby’s jaundice, I felt uncomfortable because where we lived at the time only had one full bathroom, so I didn’t have much privacy which I needed at this point more than ever given my condition (anyone who has ever had a vaginal delivery knows what I’m talking about).
Some members of my family (including my dad) came over for Father’s Day dinner that afternoon after church. I LOVE my family! After God and my faith, they are my source of strength, love, and laughter! I was glad they were there and that the baby and I were surrounded by so much love, but I was overwhelmed as I got the baby dressed shortly after their arrival. He was crying almost uncontrollably, and I was so overwhelmed by everything going on around me I honestly wanted to break down and cry to. I wanted to be able to enjoy my family, but the desire to crawl up into a ball, get under the covers, and cry was hard to fight. I actually did cry at one point as I looked over at the baby in his bassinet by the window (for sun) and with the jaundice light shining next to him. It didn’t seem that he was getting better and again I was just overwhelmed. I was physically exhausted and in pain and was also mentally exhausted. I was embarrassed to cry in front of everyone, but I knew no one was judging me. Just always trying to be strong. I can count on my mama and husband though for my comic relief as they quickly found the humor of it all to make me laugh. And I did laugh and felt better.
Shout out to everyone who supported and texted me during this time. In retrospect, my mother, sister, sister-in-law, and friends with children knew what I didn’t know going into this situation and made it a point to be there for and check-in on me and I appreciate that. If you know anyone who’s recently had a baby, check on them today. A simple text of encouragement and uplifting word for a new mom can go a long way.
Little did I know this was only the beginning of my postpartum journey. More to come ????.
XOXO,
Mrs. O
P.S.
In the weeks to follow, the baby’s jaundice cleared up which was such a relief! All praises to the Most High for that and his continued health!
