Earlier this month on March 7, 2021 my husband Robert and I celebrated the first anniversary of our marriage. Married life in the midst of a pandemic has put our marriage to the test and has made for as you can imagine a very interesting first year. Not being able to have a more formal wedding or honeymoon really forces you to get down to the reality of day to day married life and fast!
Its been an interesting year marked by ups and downs. My husband is a character and we have a lot of fun together but there have been very few opportunities to spend time with one another outside of our home due to quarantine. Then there was last summer when he became quite ill with COVID which was scary. There are also the complexities of visitation with the trips due to CDC guidelines and an attempt to keep everyone safe. Married life is great but it is honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done! But through it all, we are making it one day at a time!
By God’s grace we are still married, happy, and taking the lessons and life as it comes. I’ve learned a lot over the past year, but here are three things that I’ve learned that have really stood out to me:
Abiding in the Vine is Essential
I’ve learned that if I want my marriage to be fruitful, I have to as stated in John 15:4 abide in the vine “as the branch cannot bear fruit of itself.” I’ve found that praying, reading and recalling God’s Word are essential to helping me to not be in my feelings and help me to remember the type of wife God has called me to be. If I make it about me or what my husband did, didn’t do, said or didn’t say, I get in my feelings and right in my own way! I believe that the intent of marriage is rooted in building God’s kingdom and try to make it a point to keep this as a focal point of the vision for our union. When I take my eye off of this purpose or fail to remember that I bring glory to God when I am serving my family, it hardly ever results in productive action or conversation. Now I am still pressing toward the mark on this one and have not gotten my badge yet, but I do recognize the relevance and importance of this lesson. When it gets challenging, I have to remind myself not to grow weary in well doing and that when I am serving and honoring my family and operating where God wants me to be I bring Him glory.
Expect the Unexpected
Admittedly, my husband and I did not date or know each other very long before we got married. But like most couples, we went through premarital counseling at church and I thought that as the savvy single I was that I made sure to ask all the pertinent questions and fact find to ensure compatibility. I mean I thought I knew him and that he knew me and that this was the person that I wanted to spend my life with. I also fasted and prayed about the decision to marry him. Life however has a way of throwing us curve balls and none of my due diligence could have prepared me for life with him in a pandemic. I am a rule follower and like to do things by the book. My husband however likes to flex around the rules and do things in less of a structured way. I knew this going into the marriage but didn’t know I needed to consider how this would play out if there were ever a worldwide pandemic! I am like Dr. Fauci’s personal assistant when it comes to following COVID protocols. So much so that my husband often jokingly refers to me as the CDC Director. Don’t get me wrong, my husband will wear a mask, wash his hands, and do his best to social distance, but he is not as cautious overall as I would like or think he should be and my anxiety has never been worse as a result! Our differing approaches have sparked many a fight and require us to communicate at length about how we can work together to find solutions that work for us both. I have had to concede that in addition to working outside of the home, my husband from a personality standpoint has a need to be busy and if a trip to Home Depot or helping a friend or family member in need (in a COVID compliant way of course) satisfies that for him then so be it. Likewise, he has conceded to my requests for him to wear two masks, wash his hands, sanitize his phones, and shower when he comes home each day. My preference for structure and predictability is being shaken to its core but through that, I am learning to go with the flow of life more and as my husband says “just trust God.”
Me:
Intentionality is Key
I once saw an interview with a CEO in which he stated that he and his wife had a weekly date night on the same night and time each week. This really stood out to me because to his point, it was systematic and was time he and his wife intentionally set aside to spend time with each other despite the hectic pace of their (and particularly his) schedule. Having a date night on the same night and time each week takes the guess work out of things and makes it easier to have resources in place. As he expressed, the babysitter knew, the kids knew, everyone knew when their date night was and it made things simpler for all involved as a result. After watching this interview, I told my husband that I’d like to try to implement the same system and have a regular date night on the same night each week. He agreed and since that time (sometime last summer) my husband and I have date night every Thursday. It’s not uncommon for my husband to work into the late evening most nights of the week so I often eat dinner before he gets home. But Thursday nights are different. That’s the one night of the week that we are intentional about having dinner and spending time together. Due to the pandemic, we often ride together to pick up something to-go so we have yet to actually sit down and eat at a restaurant, but the experience of getting dressed, riding to pick up the food and coming back home to eat together is something we both look forward to each week. We try to stick to our date night no matter what – even if we happen to have an argument. We love each other without conditions and don’t set conditions around our designated time together either. I’ve found that we grow closer during this time and it serves as a bright spot on the journey of married life.
I’m sure I have a lot more to learn about marriage but think I am off to a pretty good start as a wife. My husband and I are committed to each another and in keeping with that commitment, try to be patient with one another and really just take things one day at a time. Although we sometimes miss the mark, we strive to live as Ephesians 4:2-3 puts it, “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
