I love being Duke’s mom. I love spending time with him and often find myself reflecting on what I was like at his age. This happens especially when he wants something and looks up at me with his large round eyes that I identify as my own. You know that “ mommy please” look that a child can give that can easily tug at your heart strings? It gets me most every time. I can’t help myself when I see a 5 year old me reflected on his sweet little face. I’m in awe of how much he favors me sometimes although I mostly hear from everyone else how much he looks like his dad. If I had a nickel for how many times I’ve heard that, I’d not only be on the Forbe’s list, I’d make the cover!
Be that as it may, back to my blog post. Beyond favoring me at that age, I can’t help but notice other similarities between my son’s childhood and mine but honestly it’s the differences in our childhood experiences that stand out to me the most.
Now don’t get me wrong. It makes total sense that our childhoods would look different. I would expect some things to change in the 30 plus years since I was a child. The inevitable societal, technological, environmental, political, and social changes that occur over the years cause stark differences in a child’s experience growing up from one generation to another.
Of the differences I’ve noticed between Duke’s childhood and mine, there are three that standout the most.
1.
Technology. This one pretty much goes without saying. Technology is much more advanced now than it was when I was growing up in the 1980’s and 1990’s. When I was little, having a VCR and renting movies from Blockbuster was the move. We also used to record shows on a blank tape to watch later especially if we were not going to be home and would miss the show when it aired. Fast forward to present day and my son picks a streaming service’s app and has access to hundreds if not thousands of shows and movies on demand. No worries of missing it when it airs cause it’s available to watch pretty much anytime. Technology has moved so far so fast DVDs are even obsolete. I recently had to explain to my son what my collection of DVDs is (yes I still have DVDs although I no longer watch them). He was so excited about the idea of a movie on DVD and has been bugging me ever since to hook up my old DVD player so he can watch one. It’s like an ancient artifact to him that he is fascinated by. Meanwhile, I’m wondering where the time went since I used to watch all of those DVDs and what I should I do with them now.
There are also differences in the way we communicate now versus back then. When I was my son’s age, we had a house phone on the wall in the kitchen. We also had one that wasn’t mounted. It had an extra-long cord so that it could stretch from each bedroom in our home and in the hallway. I grew up in the days when the entire household shared a phone and if your mama needed to use it, you had T minus five seconds to end your conversation and get off. In this age of cell phones, it’s hard to believe we used to share one phone as an entire household, but then again, it was all we knew and it seems in those days we were not so consumed by technology. If you were not home, someone had to call you back later or leave a message. There was no such thing as a text message and only rich people had those huge cell phones or a car phone. When I tell my son cell phones did not exist when I was a child especially not when I was his age, he has a hard time conceptualizing it. He usually just stares with this confused look on his face because life with cell phones is all he knows.
I know the “no screen time” moms are gonna get me for this, but it’s not uncommon for me to allow my son to watch YouTube videos on my phone as a way to give him something to do when we are out running errands, have a long wait, or are at a restaurant. Back in the day, my mama didn’t have a phone or tablet to keep us occupied. We played card or board games, made up games, used our imagination and if you said you were bored, she would find you something to do like reading a book and writing her a report on it. We learned to stop saying that real quick! I can recall my mama cut a belt of hers in half so it would fit in her purse more easily when we were on the go. One look and a wag of that belt was all we needed to sit still. No tablet or phone required!
I can also recall when I was growing up having one computer with dial up internet for the entire house to use. Now my husband and I each have laptops and Duke has a tablet so everyone in the house has at least one device. We also of course have Wi-Fi now versus the slow dial up of the past where you couldn’t use the phone and be on the internet at the same time smh. We’ve come a long way!
Given all of the connectivity and exposure, Duke is also more mature than I was at his age, and I am busier than I recall my mom being when I was growing up. I primarily work from home (with the exception of one day a week) and have virtual meetings for work and extra-curricular activities regularly. Because most of my work is done from home, my son’s perspective is that I am always working. This is truer than I care to admit. In a world where technology makes it possible for constant connection, I have to be that much more intentional about setting technological boundaries so that my son’s childhood memories are not consumed by my connectivity.
2.
Another difference I’ve noticed between my childhood and my son’s is the intention with which I parent. I attribute much of this to the exposure to information we now have due to technology; something that didn’t exist when my parents were raising me. It’s much easier due to the internet and social media to access resources on parenting and gain exposure to experts in the field. There is also less stigma now days about seeking help for mental health and caring for one’s self mentally which I believe helps me to parent better because my “stuff” is being healed and is less likely to get in the way of my approach to parenting and life as a whole.
I am much more conscious of how I parent and how I live my life in general. I am by no means a perfect parent, but I strive to parent Duke as a whole person. I recognize that my role as parent is more than a caregiver (feeding, bathing, clothing, etc.). I recently heard one licensed parenting expert assert the reason my generation is so exhausted from parenting and wondering how our moms/parents did it is because we parent not only as caregivers but work to ensure our kids emotional needs are met. That resonated so loudly with me! I was like “yes, that’s it.” I care how my child is doing emotionally and work with him on naming his feelings so he can manage them. As a result, Duke has language that I don’t think I had at his age. For example, he’ll tell me when something makes him feel embarrassed or shy. Again, I’m sure at five I was not labeling my feelings and certainly did not know what it meant to feel embarrassed or shy although I am certain I felt both of these at his age. Duke expresses that he feels shy often so I purchased a book that we are reading together to help him navigate feelings of shyness. I recognize that he will need tools to learn to manage his shyness and want to start early equipping him with those. I can recall being the same way when I was his age but do not think my parents had the wherewithall to address my needs. To be clear, I know my parents did the best they could and I thank them for raising me. They are two of the best people I know, and it is a privilege being their daughter, but I have struggled even into adulthood I believe due to missing out on having the tools I needed to find my voice and to build my self-confidence. These are things I feel could have been nurtured in me earlier with the right kind of attention to my needs and emotional wiring.
Duke will also tell me if he thinks I am being rude. I don’t recall having the language to name my parents as rude for a remark or interruption at the age of five. Maybe I was afraid of that belt my mama kept in her purse if I did say she was rude lol! But in all seriousness, I don’t think I knew what to call “rude” at five. Treating a child like a person gives them the security and the agency to give you feedback. I’m not crazy about Duke calling my behavior out cause after all I am the Mama around here and do believe a child should pay deference to adults and show respect. He’s also not always totally accurate in his perception of what “rude” is so there’s that. But I do hope that if he has a sense of personal agency that it also plays out when he’s dealing not just with me, but with his peers. I want him to call out the rude and unacceptable behavior of his peers, to speak up for himself and to teach people how to treat him.
3.
This last one is directly related to our family dynamic. Duke has older siblings but is like an only child in a way. As a result, in some ways I have more capacity to parent with intention because he after all is the only child I have to focus on. There is a societal shift in people starting families later in life this day in age, than when I was growing up and I am no exception.
I do believe that the lack of siblings Duke’s own age makes his and my bond deeper and stronger. He and I are the only two people in the whole world to have shared the same body while I carried him for nine months. I won’t have that bond with anyone else.
Growing up, I had siblings to laugh with, play with, grow with, keep me company, and to look out for me. There is a safety that comes along with that that admittedly, I regret Duke will not get to experience in the same way. It is so much fun to laugh with my siblings about our experiences growing up and just to have them in this cold world. People who love you and who even through the ups and downs of your relationships you know you can call and they’d be right there for you.
The bright side is that Duke does have his three older siblings and I know they love him and he loves them! Since they are working and away at college however, I am his default playmate. Sure, we schedule play dates here and there so he can play with kids his age, but on an almost day to day basis, I am playing cops and robbers, racing trucks, playing tag, playing a board game, or doing a puzzle. It’s sweet because we get to spend quality time together and also make memories, but I’d love to see him get to do these things with siblings his own age like I was fortunate to be able to do growing up.
I could go on about how things have changed since I was child, but this is certainly enough for now. Leave me a comment if any of these differences resonate with you in your experience as a parent, or if there are other differences you’ve noticed between your childhood and your kid’s childhood(s).
